September 2019 || Week 28
(END OF) MARCH 2019 || Week 1
September 23rd 2019
Day 178 / 365 || Week 28
“We are the only true experts on our journey to enlightenment. Filter all information through your own heart.”
Today I was looking at some old footage of mine from when I lived in Austin, back in 2015.
I took this photo when I frequented The Hope Outdoor Gallery. Graffiti was plastered on every wall below Castle Hill, and the walls and columns that surrounded it was painted with artists everywhere, who were there to beautify this unkempt abandoned property. At the bottom on the hill there was a container on the grounds that had been filled with photos of the graffiti. Anyone could come in, look around, buy a print, or hang out. I had been sitting down in a chair inside, watching passerbyers looking at the art. I had slightly tilted the chair back and right above me on the ceiling I saw this quote written in sharpie.
“I Aspire to Inspire Before I Expire”.
This shook me with its words of power. It spoke to me in a way I had never felt before. I had been lifted from this poetry and it made me want to live this quote in real life. I wanted to be the one who could help inspire others. I wanted to continue traveling so I could meet these people that needed inspiration, including myself.
In some ways, I did inspire. I was trying to be my most authentic self. However at the same time, I wasn’t living up to this while I was there. I did let one person in particular down. The person who I had got closest too while living there.
When I moved to Austin, I had found that my love life was a bit messy and complicated, but with some time behind me I did find someone to pass the time by with. He made me laugh and had that utmost southern hospitality that I never experienced before.
Then one day it all changed and I started to send him mixed signals, started pushing him away, but also wanted to keep him close. Yes… I was a tangled 23 - turning 24 year old, who wanted to so much out of this world. I didn’t want to settle, but I also didn’t want to feel lonely.
I became guarded. I made it messy. I made it complicated. I didn’t know how to express myself. I didn’t know how to communicate.
Looking back at this, I know that my behavior that I was (or wasn’t) expressing towards him was was confusing.
I came across some of my old footage yesterday, and it brought me back. I felt the pain through my lens from these sentiments. I finally put myself into his shoes and saw it from his perspective, and how he must have felt. How much that must have stung his heartstrings. I feel grief from how I failed at my communication management back then.
I now know what he was going through, because that is what time does when it eventually happens back to you.
From 2015 to now; I have gotten a taste of what that heartbreak feels like when I once served it to someone else. What complications of broken communication can do to a person. That is was reflection looks like.
Maybe this all has to do with Fall equinox, and how the sense of change is happening again. How looking at the changes you make happens within yourself. From your past actions and its effects.
I am sorry. You didn’t deserve that.
Here’s to growing up and making changes, and learning from the mistakes made and past poor actions.
September 24th 2019
Day 179 / 365 || Week 28
“The self is a marvelous conduit in a timeless whole from while molecules, but also meanings and stories and poetry flows from neuron, to nebula and back again.”
This. It took me many many times to comprehend this, but I finally got my head to wrap around it. I saw this video from Jason Silva - Titled “Why is it so difficult for us to be vulnerable?”. He is one who talks to his audience like a poet would talk to his friends. It’s the concept that vulnerability is needed to understand one another, it is a reflection that makes us understand ourselves better.
September 25th 2019
Day 180 / 365 || Week 28
Keep you’re eyes peeled, because the universe is trying to tell us something. It’s trying to give us lessons that we can learn from. I know that when I am stuck in my own head about the smallest of things, I am distracted from what is trying to be shown to me. That the fog that surrounds my mind is something only I can clear away. From worrying about the tiniest of problems I am not allowing myself to look at the bigger picture of things, of humanity, of what life really means, of even find energy to volunteer my time to someone. To help. To give. To ponder. To learn. It’s true, it’s only up to us to find the focus on what we want to focus on.
September 26th 2019
Day 181 / 365 || Week 28
When I used to frequent the Pike Place Market I would meet handfuls and handfuls of buskers that would flow on and off the cobblestone streets, coming and going from their sets played for the people. I would start to notice the ones who would stick it out over time. One day I saw this girl playing, and she was young. Her name is Kitty Mae. The moment I saw her from afar I thought that she was going to be eaten up and spit out by this market. It can be a tough life as a busker, and even more so in a historical market like Pike Place. She had this cowgirl look to her (which isn’t much of a popular genre here in Seattle).
But that’s why they say that looks will deceive you. Once I heard her voice project and felt her soul come to life with her performance, I was floored. Over the years back in those market days, we had gotten to get to know each other, and we had so much in common that it was like looking at a little sister who had so much talent and drive.
We haven’t seen one another for a long time. It had been a couple years (exactly to the day actually). We had some catching up to do. I never want to be that person to beg someone to play, but when shes around with her guitar that is all I want to do.
September 27th 2019
Day 182 / 365 || Week 28
While growing up in Seattle there were a lot of people who would say that they loved the PNW because they were attracted to the rain. I had began saying that too, but only because that is all I really knew. In my early 20’s I finally got out and about and headed down the West Coast to California, where the sun was shining on my face most of the time. When I would come back home I would start to wonder why I felt a little bit more drained and a little bit more down. I understood what vitamin D deficiency was after that, and I knew I wasn’t one of those people who claimed to love the rain and the gloom. Once a friend told me that basking in the sun allowed your third eye to open up slowly. I think that when I take the road trips down the coast I am allowing myself to be more open to my spiritual journey. It becomes easier for some reason.
These are the last days of sun in Seattle before it disappears again for awhile. Today it went from rainy to sunny, then to thunderstorms, to hail, and back to sun. This weather gets very biploar as Summer changes to fall. (Soak it up while you can Seattlites!)
T-minus 4 days until I make my way back down the coast to the Bay Area. I need to move on from here before the gloom sets in for months at a time. I am excited to put on my California playlist and head down to where the sun hit me in all the right places.
September 28th 2019
Day 183 / 365 || Week 28
In 5 days I release a video that I have been working out in my head for a considerable amount of time. I wanted to get to a place where I would be able to reflect back on my time of travels and piece it all together. I guess 5 years in… it was time.
I have spent a lot of this editing process in figuring out new transitions, color grading, audio tweaking, and much more to get this video to where it is. On top of that it was a wild ride looking back at some of these memories. Some of these times I captured is where I was living on cloud nine, and I even caught some of the really low moments to. Both of which are in the video that I showcase on Thursday, October 3rd.
September 29th 2019
Day 184 / 365 || Week 28
I packed it up. I packed it out. I did what I came here to do. I stayed for the summer, worked a lot, found some stable kind of atmosphere around me for a bit. This time as I leave Seattle I will be leaving some pieces of myself behind with some people I call friends, to the some of the people I have had to walk away from.
I learned that living that stable lifestyle is still not for me, not yet, or at least not like this. Not alone in an apartment 6 stories up right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city. I am still learning things from my time here that will inevitably catch up to me once I whisk away.
As the weather makes it’s typical move to turn, I will too. It is time to keep moving with the sun.
September 30th 2019
Day 185 / 365 || Week 28
It’s very comical that every time I am set off to drive out of town, Stan has an issue that needs fixed. It’s like he knows when to tell me he is ill. Stan at this point has a regular doctor that get’s him all patched up, and I have this guy here to thank. Seriously though, Phillip takes the cake on being featured the most times on here (1) + (2) , doing the same thing ——> Saving Stan! I am so very grateful. With this guys help, I will have Stan in my life for a longggg time.