September 2019 || Week 27
(END OF) MARCH 2019 || Week 1
September 16th 2019
Day 171 / 365 || Week 26
Close your eyes, and think of all the places you could be right now. (Really, give it a try for a minute)
Now that you have opened your eyes, take time to appreciate that 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑡 𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑖𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒.
Sometimes for me I’m not sure what I’m doing in life so I just find the next destination. Sometimes I use this maneuver and wear it as a mask. This is me, not feeling really sure where home is. I do this so I can let loose from the last destination and I will feel better about finding purpose in the next place. I find that a lot of the time that doesn’t solve any of my problems. It is up to me to be okay where I am at, spiritually and emotionally over where I am physically. I still don’t know where home is, but I do enjoy thinking about all the possibilities.
September 17th 2019
Day 172 / 365 || Week 27
The weather. It’s so easy to talk about the weather here in Seattle. Summer is great. Fall is bearable (for a short time) and winter is gross and wet. It’s usually the time I say my farewells and figure out the next move. It’s easy to leave this city behind because of the weather, but it’s straining on my soul to wake up in these times and have the thoughts of “What am I doing with my life?”. I take hold onto this part of this talk from Elizabeth Gilbert when she is asked what her main job in life is.
“My main job, honestly, like what most of the hours of my day goes to is (i’m not even being facetious) is actually just managing my mental health. Truly, because like many of us, I wake up in the morning and my first conscious thought is like ‘Fuck FUCK. Oh god! Oh my god no. How? How??” like every single day, for my entire life. A really huge amount of my day, my weeks, my months, and my years has been given over to trying to figure out how to take that exclamation point of panic that I wake up with and just kind of settle it as best as I can. - So that’s my actual job. Everything else I do is just a hobby.
Usually when I wake up with the sun, I feel less panic.
September 18th 2019
Day 173 / 365 || Week 27
Today was a hard day, emotionally. I learned some news that I just couldn’t shake off. I am trying not to make this thing my problem (because it isn’t) , with still balancing empathy and compassion for this person that has tough decisions to face head on. I was in my head about this ALL DAY. I felt so much movement in my mind that it made me dizzy. I had some anxiety and I just really needed someone to talk to. I got through to one of the wisest women I know, my mentor, my old high school teacher. This is someone who I refer to as my rock when I need to hold on when I feel like I am wavering in the mental and psyche danger zone. This is who I look out for when I need emotional assistance to balance me back, even for just one minute (Okay, well the phone call lasted around 2 hours, but who was counting anyway?) It really gave me a new perspective on how to think about certain things. How to approach these certain situations that come up, each time and again. How to improve on a skill with my own way of thought processing and proceeding to live the best life I can live. To make sure other peoples decisions are not effecting my life, because I just allow it not to.
I’m so glad we had this talk together. It was another eye opening conversation that led me to step up upon another stepping stone into me improving on some self emotional care.
September 19th 2019
Day 174 / 365 || Week 27
Clearing the noise. Clearing the air. Clearing my mind. Finding my peace within my own space.
September 20th 2019
Day 175 / 365 || Week 27
Time WILL pass
I haven’t been myself lately. I have been trying to work out things out in my head that I may not ever have any answers for. I know that life gives us hardships for a reason, and I know that time will pass and I will be more than okay again. I will live with time by my side in many different forms, with many different emotions.
When I have been waking up, the first thought I have been thinking is “Just __ more days”. A big part of me just wants to get out of Seattle already. I have been counting down the days for when I leave here again, just like I had done when I was a child, when I was giddy for Christmas morning to arrive. I am aware that when I am asking time to go by fast is counter intuitive to what I really want out of the life I was gifted. I don’t want to ask for less time to be taken away from me. I just want to be in a clear state of mind.
Today, moments before this photo was captured, time went by so fast that I just wanted it to extend. When I walked into this time fix-it shop, I didn’t know I would leave there with a smile on my face and gratitude for that time given unto me. I got into conversation with Tom, the owner of this watch repair place. His jokes, his wisdom, and his way with him helping me look at time, it wrapped me into a different mindset. It made me think that I had stepped into a time machine and Tom doubled as my secret therapist and comedian.
It seemed with the 30 minutes of conversation we had only lasted 5 minutes, and it was over just like that. It was time to go. It was time for me to think more about time and how we spend it. Sure, I am only human and I have human emotion, but I also know that time spent worrying about things you cannot change is like the grim reaper following you while hacking your life clock down with every step you take.
Best quote from Tom today - “I’m not on social media. I’m on social security”
Tom and his grandson were such a pleasure to be around, and with them being experts on fixing time, I had to capture this moment of time.
Also I’m throwing an Alan Watts quote in here for some more inspiration
“What this is saying then, is
That just as you don't know how you manage to be conscious
How you manage to grow and shape this body of yours
That doesn't mean to say that you're not doing it
Equally, you don't know how the universe shines the stars, constellates the constellations, and galactifies the galaxies, you don't know
But that doesn't mean to say that you aren't doing it in just the same way as you're breathing without knowing how you breathe”
September 21st 2019
Day 176 / 365 || Week 27
I knew that today was a day that I needed some kind of friend therapy. I knew that today was a day I needed to see Mr. Dr. Emery Carl. (Google him. He’s great). We met back in 2014, when he was called the Busker King, when he was doing his shows down at the Pike Place Market. After 15 years of doing his career, time has passed and he has retired. I was afraid I would never see him again after that, because that was the Emery I knew. That was the Emery a lot of people knew.
He is a very hard guy to get a hold of, because he is so in the moment. I thought it might be easier to walk the streets of Seattle and find him drumming on his buckets downtown, or send him a pigeon note, rather send him a message. However, lately he has prioritized some people and time in his life, like myself, which I am grateful for. I needed his energy today. He gets people to think out of the box, out of their own reality. How numbers, letters, shapes and angels can shape your mind into a different perspective, where you can look at things a bit more diversely than you are used to.
We wrote down the word Conscious and from there we were in a tailspin. It’s something you had to be there for… because the conversation becomes so deep with hidden meaning and messages. He teaches me that the outlook on even the littlest things, might actually be bigger than you think.
Along with deciphering hidden messages, he gave me a tarot reading. The tarot spread I picked had to do with being week based, and if you’ve been following this you know that I have had a tough week to work with.
All the cards (but one) that I had pick and had started to turned over were all swords. This jumped out at me, and because I know nothing about tarot I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. It was an obvious message though.
The Suit of Swords Tarot card meanings are associated with action, change, force, power, oppression, ambition, courage and conflict. Each card lined up with what I had not been able to see through for myself, but was able to feel all this week.
Three of Swords
This is a card of discontent. It typically represents heartache and pain, often to do with failing or struggling relationships.
Five of Swords
When the Five of Swords appears, this is typically indicative of hurt feelings. It's time to mend fences and admit when you've wronged someone. Sometimes, this card can indicate a betrayal as well–do you trust everyone who's around you? Should you? Ask questions to figure out what's going on, but remember that doing so discreetly and with caution will get you farther than running in with guns blazing.
Six of Swords
Although Swords are typically symbolic of conflict and turmoil, they can be positive too. The Six of Swords is one of those positive cards–it's an indicator that life is on the upswing, you've survived the battle, and things are improving. Not only are your circumstances getting better, you're developing as a person and learning how to better deal with the problems you may face in your life.
Seven of Swords
The Seven of Swords typically indicates deception. Someone is not being entirely truthful with you about something of importance. Do you trust everyone you love? Is it possible that one of them is keeping secrets from you?
Queen of Swords (The best sword card pulled)
The Queen of Swords combines the mental clarity and intellectual power of the suit of Swords with the maturity and receptiveness of the Queen. You have the gift of being able to use your intellect and unbiased judgement while also remaining flexible and open to receive input from other sources.
The Queen of Swords notes that you are a truth-seeker. You are open to hearing the thoughts and opinions of others, but ultimately, you filter that information to decipher what is true and what is not. When interacting with others, you will not tolerate mistruths or excessive ‘fluff’. You prefer to get to the heart of the matter without engaging in too much chit-chat or gossip.
The Queen of Swords suggests that you have an innate ability to tell it like it is. You are a quick thinker and highly perceptive, piercing through the noise and confusion to get straight to the point. You are upfront and honest in your views, and you expect the same from others. For this reason, many people respect your opinion and come to you for advice when they need clarity.
As a determined, independent and resilient person, you have established clear boundaries, and you are quick to call out someone who crosses them. People do not mess with you, not because you threaten them or inflict violence, but because you set expectations up front about how you want to be treated. Some people might be intimidated by you, but once they get past your tough exterior and develop a sense of trust and respect, they see your softer side.
So to sum it up, I am not taking on anymore relationships that cross boundaries, and I am sticking up for myself, my beliefs, and only will tolerate the people who respect my wishes on how I ask to be treated.
September 22nd 2019
Day 177 / 365 || Week 27
Day by day, step by step, and time.
That is some of what it takes to get over the blues. Although that all familiar rain made it’s traditional debut today, I did feel better from where I was in the beginning of the week. I was able to get creative. One of my good friends took me out to look at some camera gear he was interested learning more about. (I secretly think that he was just helping me to get out of the house and out of my head). We got tacos, he got cupcakes, played some tunes and we did an iphone photography battle with our phones, because the best camera is the one you have on you. Who needs a Nikon Z6 anyway? These days are getting better.
On top of that, I am back into making a video I have been putting off for some time now. That also helped.