If this isn’t a test, I don’t know what is. Today is a day that I lost someone I love. I didn’t lose them by death, divorce, or separation, and I am not sure what we can label this loss as, but if you understand what it means to be a strong, independent individual, then you might get that losing your lover to find yourself again is something that happens. For me and someone in particular, its a recurrence in both our lives.
I am a full time traveler, and sometimes that means I am exploring solo, and other times that means I am doing it with someone I love. A few times out of the year, we both travel elsewhere for different things. Sometimes its work, sometimes it’s to experience a different culture, and other times it’s just to get away.
Some people think I’m crazy for traveling solo, and others think that it should be the only way to go to prevent pieces of a broken heart each time my lover and I say our goodbyes. Each time we say “Until next time” at the airport terminal, we have an understanding. We love and respect each other enough to explore our own lives by our own identity. Yesterday was one of those days where we depart from each others presence yet again.
On the last mornings that we wake up to one another, we are fully present and aware that we don’t know when, or even if this will be a possibility again. Those moments give me gratitude for feeling the conscious connections we have made together in this life.
When I am losing the presence of someone I love, those moments give me the most intense and remarkable feelings for the time we shared. The first time this happened I thought my heart would be broken forever. When we departed ways It was hard for me to do anything alone again. It was like I had forgotten who I was before we met.
It felt impossible to think that I had a creative outlet, and that it was still trying to get through to me! All I was paying any attention to was my heart. It was living and breathing all the stages through the grieving process, and giving me tears and a sore stomach from the sorrows of my loss.
Soon enough I began to hear the cries of my creative outlets, even though I had kept it locked away in the darkness of my mind. It was gracious and persistent enough to still whisper kind things to me. It kept telling me to take action even though it was hard to process anything, or to make sense of it all.
Taking action was my first step. Even if that meant writing at 5 am, with tears streaming off my face on top of my keyboard, and me sounding like a hyena giving birth while doing it. It just had to happen. I realized I had been feeding into my darkness, and not giving enough light and love to the only thing that was trying to keep me sane and productive. I wasn’t allowing my own mind, spirit and creativeness grow. I was letting it sit in the dark, in a different compartment in my brain, to suffer. Ultimately, that meant I was going to suffer until I took action.
I realized that after losing someone I love, it was up to me to stop feeding the dark parts of his departure. I cannot leave my creative compartment feeling like it was taken hostage and left alone in despair. I needed to find a way to become accustom to feeding it with love and light so we could grow together.
I needed this quote today. It was a reminder to the new chapter ahead. I woke up with only me and my creative outlet, and I am not going to waste anytime feeding it love and light.
From the Breeze